The Lonely
by Aleta123
Summary: "I had never meant to screw it up this bad. I always knew that I would be the one who messed up our relationship, but I never imagined that I would've done it while trying to tell him that I loved him."


This is my first ever fan-fiction. I'm very very nervous. I wrote this on my IPad so it may not be very well edited. Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. You have just made my day a thousand times.

I had never meant to screw it up this bad. I always knew that I would be the one who messed up our relationship, but I never imagined that I would've done it while trying to tell him that I loved him. I knew that I was strong-headed and annoying, but I guess I had never realized it.

And now as I sit here, in our spot, near the tree with the twisted roots, I realize how ignorant I have been. I realize that I have never loved anyone this much in my entire life.

That scared me. That revelation came to me when I came to his dorm right after a very stressing Bellas practice. I had walked in and he wasn't there. Benji told me, right after popping out of a box with several "swords" stuck in it, that he had gone out to get some books from the library for his homework. I walked back to my dorm in a trance because it had become a natural habit to go to him after Bellas, because he was so supportive and understanding. I realize just how much I leaned on him and how amazing he was. I loved him and it scared me.

I loved him.

For over a week I kept the secret to myself, afraid that if I told someone it would somehow connect back to him. Chloe seemed to realize something was going on, when I talked to her on the phone, and she surprised me by coming to my room after Bellas one day.

"Beca, are you okay?" She had asked cautiously and worriedly after the shock of her visit had worn off and we were settled. I cracked.

The story poured out of me uncharacteristically, and in my mind I cursed him for making me so weak. She listened with a determined look on her face and after I was done she proudly exclaimed that I should tell him as soon as possible.

"You think so?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Of course! It doesn't have to be romantic or anything. Because I know you don't do that." She added at the end with a pointed look on her face.

I rolled my eyes, but inside I was battling with myself. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he laughed in my face or told me that we should just be friends?

Chloe seemed to read my mind and she smiled gently. "He feels the same way, trust me. I see how he looks at you." Her eyes seemed far away and her voice was longing almost as if...never mind.

She turned back to me and her eyes focused. "Tell him after Bellas tomorrow."  
I steeled my eyes and nodded, determined to make it clear how I felt. And if he didn't feel the same way then, well, let's not think about that.

The next day Bella practice was especially difficult. I couldn't focus on anything and the girls seemed to notice something was up.

"Hey, you okay?" Skylar Collins, a freshman, asked me after practice. She was very concerned, she had a kind soul and was willing to help anyone in need. Her blue-grey eyes were wide and filled with concern as the slight breeze that blew in through the windows tossed her chocolate curls gently.

I smiled shakily. "Yeah, I just have something big to do."

She smiled. "If you need anything, just come ask." With that she grabbed her bag and walked out, waving behind her shoulder as she left.

I grabbed my bag and walked towards his dorm steadying my breath and trying to focus.

When I got there I knocked gently on his door. It opened slightly and it revealed a familiar sight. Jesse was sprawled on the bed, laptop on his chest as he watched something intently.

I grinned and pulled out one of his earbuds, startling him.

"Beca!" He was surprised. I smiled at him, and he grinned back.

"What's up?" He must've noticed my demeanor. He knew me that well.

"I have something to tell you."

He cocked his head, confused.

"Yeah?" He looked at me with explicit concern, his eyes searching mine.

I took a deep breath. "I...I love you."

Shock was clearly displayed on his face as I revealed my secret. I sat there for a minute while he absorbed the new information. Despair welled up in me after he didn't respond.

I got up. "It's okay, I knew you didn't feel the same way."

"Beca..."

But before he could continue I ran out. I heard him following me and he called my name.

"Beca! Beca! Beca, wait!" I stopped and turned to him, and suddenly I was furious. With myself and him and Chloe and Skylar and everyone.

"What!? What do you want? You've already made your feelings all too clear." I saw a hurt expression on his face, but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I had hoped too much that he would feel the same way, and hated myself for hoping so much, so I unleashed my pent up rage on him. I yelled at him for around two minutes before I saw him get angry and then we started yelling at each other, and everything went to hell.

"Your just like this because your family is a mess!" He yelled, and everything went silent. I couldn't believe it. His face morphed so suddenly it was hard to comprehend, but I didn't focus on that. I was still processing that Jesse, my Jesse, The Jesse, had said that to me.

"Beca, oh my god Beca, I'm so..."

"I can't believe I was actually in love with you!" I yelled, interrupting him.

Suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one who looked hurt.

"I see." And before I could say anything he turned and fled.

"Jesse! Jesse wait! Please!" But he was already gone. "I love you." I whispered.

And now, here I am. Sitting next to the tree of juice pouches and movications and cuddling. Here I am sobbing my eyes out because I can't hold it in. I love him so much and now he was gone, ripped from me by my own impulsiveness.  
After I sob my eyes out for around 15 minutes, I do the only thing I can do now.

I sing.

"2 a.m., Where do I begin?

Crying off my face again

The silent sounds of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed"

"I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well"

"Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely, in to take my heart again"

"Too afraid to go inside

For the pain of one more loveless night

But the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me 'til I fall asleep"

"I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well"

"Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in, to take my heart again"

"Broken pieces of

A barely breathing story.

Where there once was love

Now there's only me and the lonely"

"Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in, to take my heart again"

When I finish pouring my heart out, I cry again, letting years of pent up sadness break through. Everything from the divorce until now that has made me want to cry, but I didn't because I was strong, is getting let go.

"Oh my god, Beca." I hear his voice and my head shoots up, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

He's in front of me, standing with wide eyes, the light of the moon casting a soft glow on him that makes him look like an angel. He runs at me, closing the 5 foot distance between us in two strides.

Before I know what's happening his arms are around me and I can feel his warmth encircling me.

"I was so worried." He whispered in my ear, his soft breath tickling the sensitive skin. "I came to apologize after running out like that, but you weren't in your room. I asked all of the Bellas and they didn't know where you were."  
"I'm sorry." I sigh against his shoulder.

He pulled away slightly, but he was still close enough that our noses brushed.

"It wasn't your fault. I should've told you sooner. I was just shocked that you were the first one to say it. Beca I heard your song and everything. I want you to know that I love you too. I love you so much. I need you and I can't live without you."

I'm shocked. I can't say anything, afraid that if I open my mouth I'll start to cry. So I kiss him. I press my lips to his and let the emotions pour out of me. I slide my hands around his neck and fist my hands in his hair.  
He deepens the kiss and I sigh against his mouth. When we pull away, after our breathing slows, he smiles softly at me.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
